As I find myself slowly emerging from a year of pandemic isolation; a year where my primary focus has been on staying safe and keeping my business afloat; I am sensing that something valuable has been lost.
I have always been a busy bee, filing my days with frenetic activity and overflowing to do lists. I like being busy and I enjoy the feeling of accomplishment. Admittedly, this is a double-edged sword. In the past, I would ignore my subtle inner signals. I would push myself too hard, too long - resulting in exhaustion, overwhelm, depression. It required a lot of introspection, as well as some help from a therapist, for me to realize that to find balance, self care needed to be part of the mix. This was when I first discovered the value of what I call, ‘Unstructured Idle Time’.
The best way I can describe Unstructured Idle Time is to reflect back on childhood. Do you remember those times when you didn’t have anything to do, when you were just on your own to aimlessly wander and explore? I have many memories of outdoor exploration; carefully examining rocks, leaves, seashells, whatever happened upon my path. I remember feeling untethered and free to follow wherever my thoughts and interests chose to take me. I felt so alive, so creative, like anything was possible. It was during these times that I felt the closest contact to myself, feeling like a had an exclusive playdate with me. I truly believe that these childhood moments helped me to cope and endure a very dysfunctional home life.
As a middle-aged adult, I worked to recapture these moments. I discovered that I could return to that sense of freedom and wonder by just relaxing, taking a few deep breaths and asking myself “What do you feel like doing?”, “What would bring you pleasure?”, “If you didn’t have anything to do right now, what would you do?” By slowing down, clearing my head of all of the distracting thoughts and just listening that to that sweet little child inside, I would get my answer. I have also found that meditation can be beneficial by asking these questions as I begin my practice.
Oftentimes, the answer would be something very simple, like “I would take a nap” or “I would plant some flowers in the garden”. At other times, the answer would be more ambitious like, “I would explore the Galapagos Islands” or “I would sail across the ocean”. Regardless, the answer always provided a very clear picture into what I needed. For me, these answers are at the core of my self-care - going below the busyness and the to do lists - to recognize what I NEED versus what I NEED TO DO. For me, the wisdom comes from listening to my inner child and taking good care of her. She’s the part of me that understands the value of play, creative expression and how important it is to just let go and enjoy the present moment.
While I certainly couldn’t drop everything and fly to the Galapagos on a whim, I could satisfy that need in other ways. Maybe watching a travel documentary or visiting a local zoo or just going on a hike and experiencing the pleasure of nature. My inner child is happy to adapt, she just wants to be heard and to have her needs met.
So, here I am, after a year of being in what feels like ‘survival mode’ - where there wasn’t the luxury of play or exploration or self-care - where I felt like I needed to just hunker down and do whatever was necessary to merely survive - once again I am asking myself “What do you feel like doing?”